I had my own issues to deal with

Am I ready to spill these intimate details of my life?

Even in my book, in the chapter “Our back story” I didn’t make the attempt. All I said was “I had my own issues to deal with”. I wanted people to keep reading, without the interruption of the preverbal testimony of abuse. And too if I went down that rabbit hole I’d never dug myself out.

But I feel as though it must be shared..now. So here it goes.

I grew up as an only child to Bob and Phyllis Mosier in the 60s and 70s. I was in the last phase of the baby boomers.

I was born in Hawaii and because of spinal issues my mother had, she was told not to nurse or even hold me.

I went from looking like a dead chicken to the michilan tire man quickly. As in those days the formula was laced with kayo syrup. Because after all…modern medicine knew best. But it started a lifelong addiction to sugar in that it replaced the nurturing every baby needs.

We moved to San Diego when I was two, where my dad ended his career as a chief in the navy. My mother helped out at the PTA at my elementary school. I was very artistic and got any feeling of worth when my mother praised my talents…to her friends.

In Jr and Sr high school I wore braces and got involved with extra curricular activities. Though intelligent and in the smart kids classes in Jr. High I wasn’t drawn to academics. Especially after they mixed english with math. (I am sure algebra is from satan). But excelled at Arts & Crafts and Creative Writing

We looked normal.

But something was never right.

When I was four I awoke and I couldn’t move my neck, nor could I talk or scream. My mother rushed me to the navy hospital for fear of meningitis. Just as she put me in the garaged car, the phone rang.

Without listening to who it was my mother answered “I am taking Emily to the hospital Bob” and hung up. And my dad met us there.

They found nothing wrong with me and sent me home with medicine that had to go into milk with strawberry quick.

About this time I started sucking my thumb. My parents put mercuricome (sp?) on my thumb to try and get me to stop.

Almost every night I would stare at my bedroom door while trying to sleep. I would lay there anchored into the mattress facing the door wanting to be ready in case an intruder came in.

And my parents didn’t always close their door during intimate times. Hearing those noises that were meant to be private tripled my fear. I was sure if my parents knew I was awake I would be in trouble.

I guess I thought they only did this because they assumed I was asleep. And in that I was awake I felt I had done something wrong. And so I was paralyzed many nights. I was always so happy when they finished as that meant I was safe.

Also…as I walked past a blue building close to our house and next to our church with a funny symbol on it I would shudder each and every time.

When I was seven I started wetting the bed. I would hide my damp sheets in the toy box for fear of getting into trouble. And then slept on the mattress without a sheet or mattress cover. Keeping my body away from the wet spot left behind the best I could. But waking up evey time I rolled over.

My parents took me to church when I was little. But my dad stopped going when a mixed race couple started attending.

Though I would hear from the Lord early on, I accepted Him when I was nine. After hearing a televangelist say that you’d go to hell if you didn’t.

I would even go to the nearby church alone as I knew things didn’t make sense at home.

When I was ten I had my tonsils out. I hemorrhaged a few days later. My mother rushed me to the doctors office and they put me on a table. My dad met us there.

The doctor put a tube down my throat and expanded it with water to make me gag. So I gagged on my own blood as my dad, the doctor and nurse held me down. My mother sat cowering in the corner as I coughed up blood from my stomach spraying it all over everyone.

{And people wonder why I hate using western medicine}.

Also when I was ten I had my first sexual experience…with the girl next door. She slept over and stayed in our teardrop trailer we’d had in the backyard. And I’ve never written that down at any time…so I am not easy sharing this. But I feel it must be said.

Her older sister was being sexually abused by her father. And the mother kept staying with him as he kept promising to change. The daughter then introduced all her siblings to sexual acts. It was the sexual revolution after all.

When people tell me how everything was so much better in the 1960s I want to laugh. (Or smack the stuffing out of them)

I got into trouble for doing anything they deemed wrong. Many times they would tell me I had two weeks to shape up or they would send me away.

I was forever getting into trouble for talking too much or being too loud. So at age thirteen or so I decided that I could be whoever I wanted to be outside the home. But at home I would be quiet and demure. No…I didn’t split my personality. I just knew enough to developed coping skills.

I got married at age twenty to a man named Bill and we had two children. Leanne and Tim.

We were a mess. On the outside we were successful I suppose. But there was more drama than you want to hear about in a blog.

But yet I was always searching for answers and to be closer to God. We went to church and I was in a bible study.

So when Leanne came out of the closet as they say, Bill and I decided to do some spiritual surgery. In hopes to vacate any family curses that could be affecting her lifestyle choice. We had a deliverance done. We found out that homosexuality came down through my line. Hence why I instigated the act when I was ten.

I felt a little lighter but no new information.

That is until a few months later. When my friend Robyn from Bills session asked me if I had Freemasonry in my background.

I said “not that I know of”. Well, in suppressed memory land this is a telling answer. It’s kind of like saying “I can not confirm or deny”. So basically I left the answer open ended.

She told me of a website where one can go to and pray a prayer to denounce any freemasonry in ones background. I thought…”well, I don’t have anything to lose…and what’s one more thing”.

So I did, it took about thirty minutes and at that moment I just felt lighter. I knew it had been a good thing to do.

But moments after my first memory of abuse came up. Naturally I was a wreck. And yet finally some things made sense.

I was shaking, and racking my brain to remember who it was…And then I knew it was Ralph Murray. A family friend. He stayed at our house many times when he was too drunk to drive home.

As soon as I said his name out loud the shaking was gone. I felt peace that at least now I had questions answered. I knew also I was seven years old. And now I understood why I started wetting the bed as wetting the bed can be a symptom of that type of abuse.

I also remembered I had been redoing my photo album years prior. And when I got to the part of him coming to visit us I had the thought “if I ever find out I was sexually abused it will be him”. So I knew…it was him.

And a funny side note. He had a girlfriend when he came to San Diego ahead of his family. Her name was Peggy. When the wife and daughter came over for dinner I asked him how Peggy was. “Peggy who” the wife asked…I couldn’t think of what to say but felt I better do some tap dancing quickly. “Peggy Cass” I said. (A celebrity on the show “To Tell the Truth ironically). With that they left dinner early.

But the cool part…even with all my parents shortcomings, the next day they said to me. “Emily, you know how you asked Ralph where Peggy was”.

Well I was afraid I was in trouble and buried my head in shame on the step stool in the kitchen. “Well, we want you to know you did nothing wrong“. I’ll never forget that feeling of exoneration.

But hey…at least I had the peace that it wasn’t my dad…or did I?

Around this time I was vacuuming one day. I felt God say “google Art Linkletter with freemasons”.

So I stopped vacuuming and went to the computer and typed in just that. And my whole world flipped upside down. Everything I thought was good in the world was crumbling in front of me. There were times I would curl up in the fetal position. Bill would say “why are you doing this”?

My whole life I felt different than everyone else. I never really fit in. I mean I had friends. But many things just never made sense to me. And now I was learning why.

I had to continue!

And through this discovery I purchased a book. “The Transformation of America”.

It’s a book on MK Uktra mind control slaves and it was telling. (Yeah…I don’t read fiction…ever)

One evening I was in bed reading it while Bill was chaperoning a high school dance where he worked.

It was 10:30 at night when I got to the part where a woman had been orally raped against a high back chair. She said she still experienced TMJ.

And I thought…”oh crap, I have TMJ“.

And that’s when my second memory come up. I knew my father actions were the reason I awoke that morning unable to move or talk at age four. I had been orally raped by my own father.

And yet…I still couldn’t cry out to anyone. Bill’s phone went unanswered. So I called Tim. He wasn’t very kind. Leanne never answers her phone so I didn’t bother trying, and Tim’s response was painful enough. Why borrow trouble.

So I wept while feeling so betrayed and not even sure what to do with these emotions that were spilling out. I am sure I cried out to the Father. But I don’t remember any revelation.

And yet…again…things were answered. I mean…no wonder I laid there paralyzed in fear night after night. Especially when my parents were intimate as those sounds meant my father or the “family petaphile” could come in and rape me once again.

No wonder I sucked my thumb. As I remember my mother saying to someone “why would Emily start sucking her thumb so much later then being a baby”.

It also answered the question as to why I got the idea to initiate sex with my friend. I was taught when you lay with someone intimacy needs to take place. Plus I had the curse of homosexuality going through my family.

Now I knew why I vowed to never let my children hear us be intimate ever.

But what I didn’t realize was that opposite doesn’t mean better. It only means you’ve gone to the other extreme of the consequence scale. And are basically to the same degree of disfunction.

Leanne has said every time Bill went to show me affection I said “not in front of the children“.

So she had nothing to model after in the way of a healthy husband and wife relationship.

And then the next memory came up. I was on a massage table and discussing the freemasons. And with that I was looking down at my black Mary Jane patent leather shoes with the lace that trimmed the white socks folded over the straps. And seeing to my left my dad pull the emergency brake of our ’56 Chevy.

Over the dashboard I could see that blue building from the angle of the parking lot.

It was revealed to me that my father was a Freemason for about six years. And during that time he took me into that blue Freemason building/lodge and laid me on an alter. They performed satanic rituals over my three year old body. I still am unsure what the rituals were. I can only read so much about rituals as it’s just too painful. But the ones I get the most upset over…are probably the ones.

And again…now I knew why I shuddered at that building every time I walked past it.

I know there are people that will read this and not believe me. And that’s ok. (But I will warn you, usually people that don’t believe in them do so because they have suppressed memories themselves).

And probably my hopes of getting a book deal are out the window as..well…this is the enemies world.

While this is probably a subject you weren’t prepared for, it’s worth the risk to me to help you possibly heal.

Especially for those of us that have children in the gay lifestyle. We don’t always know what ends up affecting us as parents, and ultimately our children.

I still struggle with health issues, from the sexual abuse. But I won’t give up and hopefully will be able to add to this blog my success story…soon. As on the whole I am already doing a lot better. But do I have hope. Because He is gathering me up.

But we are in a spiritual battle for the souls of our children right now. Never, since the days of Noah have there been such hatred for God. It’s not going to go away on its own.

Our only chance are the prayers and confessions of the righteous standing against the ways of the enemy.

And by the way. If you don’t know what the freemasons are…well…that’s a huge rabbit hole I’d rather not get into. If you have family in them…read this prayer.

If you want to tell me your uncle Joe is one, and a really nice guy…please don’t. As I will not, can not, lie for them. If your curious you can google them. But I warn you…you will never look at the world the same again.

I dont feel led to put pretty menes up, or stories of forgiveness. (Which of course I have done). As I can’t make it look like on any level any of these actions aren’t anything but detestible.

I could not think of a better song to listen to after you read this: “If We’re Honest”. Because we all have something to get past. It’s the ones that tell me they don’t that scare me the most.

God bless you in your own journey. God is or only hope!

Emily❤️

17 Comments Add yours

  1. Grace says:

    Emily, having suffered trauma myself (of a different sort), I can say BRAVO. You are BRAVE. It’s difficult to share things that have made us so vulnerable and skewed the way we see life. Its hard to put ourselves out there but people need to know they are not alone. There’s one thing that has stood out to me when I finished reading your story; I felt safe. I could hear that your writing came from a place of safety. In spite of the trauma, you are safe. THAT’S a testimony of the healing power of our Father. Love makes us safe. It appears to me You are finally SAFE.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Grace,
      I am sorry to hear you also went through trauma. It seems none of us get out of childhood without a few scars.

      And thank you for your kind words, I am glad my countenance of feeling safe came through. I know I am loved and love casts out fear.
      Much love,
      Emily🌹

      Like

  2. Hi….your story will reverberate with every women who were lil girls before…we go for reiki healing classes( I am a reiki channel) and during one session where we discussed childhood abuse every women present had a story…big or small….love you ….bravo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you.
      It’s a definite epidemic!
      Much love and the Fathers providence on those woman. 😘!
      Emily🌹

      Like

  3. Boosiz says:

    You’re still a gay bashing homophobe who has clearly been a rotten mother.

    Like

    1. I am sorry for any pain that has been in your life that you feel it necessary to lash out at me. I ask the Father to bless you in your walk on this earth!
      Hugs,
      Emily

      Like

  4. Good for you that you’re being open about your trauma. I’m just a little put off by how you needed and wanted acceptance and belief from your parents and now it doesn’t seem like your daughter is getting that from you. It’s hard to give what we didn’t get. I hope that both of you can accept each other and love past everything in the way.

    Like

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
      I hope you take the time to know more of my story so you can see larger picture.
      Much love,
      Emily

      Like

  5. GWEN!!!!! says:

    No one ever should endure what you have. Being an innocent child you were supposed be safe with your parents. As we grow we figure out how to make a safe place for our own babies.

    It seems to me you did the best you could with what you had!! Not perfection … but loved perfectly…. as for managing new twists and turns with your children and learning how to handle them is tuff even for those of us who have so much less than you have been given to handle… needs every bit of love and suport a mom could get.

    Bless you love you I’m here with you to the end my dear friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gwen,
      Thank you so much for your kind and comforting words.

      It’s a challenging road to try and heal AND mend those we’ve hurt. (As it wasn’t her fault either).

      Sins of the parents isn’t something we get over easily but with the Fathers help I know it can be done.

      Hugs!
      Emily🌹

      Like

  6. feeware1@gmail.com says:

    Wow!!!! I’m a fan of biographies. I’m sorry for the previous disappointments in your life. But lemme say this, your one heck of a writer. I look forward to rest of the book.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sympathy.

      Book #2 has been started…so will let you know!

      Much love ❤️
      Emily🌹

      Like

  7. Candace says:

    Thank you for sharing your deeply personal story here, Emily. I know how difficult that can be. I’m so sorry for all you went through at such a young, fragile age by people you should have been able to trust to keep you safe. Knowing about the trauma of your past makes me even more in awe of the strength in your faith today. Much love and many blessings to you, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Candace,
      Thank you for such kind words of encouragement!

      Honestly I am just thankful I know so I can continually forgive and allow the Father to mend my soul and work all of this out for His good!

      Much love and blessings to you as well my friend!
      Emily🌹

      Like

  8. Bravo friend!!! Keep carrying the message. Your are brave, courageous and truthfull. Don’t quit before your miracle…every day we’re alive is a miracle. I’ve got your back sis.
    Big hug,
    God’s got us covered.
    Robyn

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Robyn,
      Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I am just honored we are both being used right now.

      It’s the great awakening.

      Much love,
      Emily

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s